random thoughts

| March 8th, 2003

i’ve stripped myself of my art
the tools discarded
to collect so many
emotional voids

if i tell myself it doesn’t hurt
it shouldn’t

hearing your voice on tape
recorded so far back
when things were happy
brings me closer to the farther away
shows me everywhere i went wrong
and how you must have hated me
then
for needing you SO much
and how now you don’t know what to
feel
when i look past my tears into your
eyes
saying, “everything can change…
all i want
is for things to be
the same”

So long ago i became Me of Me & You
that now i cannot find myself
while you never really lost yourself in Us
and just existed as You accompanied by Me

my thought wheels spin beyond reason
i ache to have your arms around me
you lie next to me, indifferent in sleep
i keep the watch of the rising sun
hoping soon to find peace
to stop these electric pulses
which hold me from sleep
to stay this fear
which racks my body

shivering
scared by ghosts of thoughts
would wake you
but would feel ashamed
grown men should not be haunted
by words
should not be kept awake
by anxiety and loneliness

never having had choice before
what was made may not be wise
a simple utterance of instinct
an attempt to relive these things
to find myself within you again
but at what cost?
at whose expense?

everyones…

sleeping beside me
goddess of night unfolds her thoughts
in complacent sighs she whispers eternities
i lay beside her and wait ’til day
brings her about again to talk to
to laugh with

but for now she has regained her innocence

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