what is the measure of a man
how to sum up a life
in so few words
ambitions lived, denied
opportunies left
on the side of the road
too busy to notice
the blur of memory passing by
indistinct and so small
a speck in a greater light
trying to burn bright enough
to make a little shade
to lie down
and rest within
beneath the wisest tree
and draw all in
lose oneself
within the pulse
drift away
not sure where to begin
the end is such a dismal place
this energy we exchanged
festers in wounds unkempt
traces of love’s distance
i gave you myself, as i knew how
and it wasn’t enough
harsh words close the cocoon
fill the gap with indifference
all these broken needs
i’ve smoked so many cigarettes
my breath a hard whisper
these tears come
at too late an hour
far too late for “i’m sorry”
but i needn’t apologize
what little can that do now
it’s all falling apart
my empire of sanity
smashed under foot
of selfish reason,
of misunderstanding
uncovered now
drift from sleep
into this nightmare
love’s collapse
to untold certainties
of misdeeds
never meant,
remembered
how to grow
with no room left
for apologies
nothing more than
“I love you”
none other than
“i am sorry”
too many times before
no more time
deaf ears can be so blind
where to go from here
forward into . . .
losing you
damn this aching heart
whisper to me please
one more time
those stories of a boy and his bear
sing to me please
just one more song
about a lonely boy on the stairs
no one wants to see you go
a shadow hangs over
my heart – a weight I cannot lift
you left so long ago
change overcame
or maybe it was just me
out growing ideas
not able to face myself
my past
to see you hurting so much
i was weak
but you were alone
i’m sorry
it always seemed to much
to bother
too painful, so hard to face
when I would come to see you
i couldn’t bring myself to leave
the look in your eyes
you didn’t want to burden anyone
with your own pain
but you didn’t want to be alone
you always invited me back
but i never called
and rarely came
i am so sorry
it’s like I shut a door
in my mind
to hide from the thoughts
of your pain
how selfish of me
you were always there for me
i could not be the same for you
by the time i’d grown
things had only gotten worse
your body and time had caught up
it didn’t even seem like you
in that chair
I am so sorry i couldn’t face that
couldn’t see you
i am weak
and i’m sorry
whisper to me please
one more time
those stories of a boy and his bear
sing to me please
just one more song
about a lonely boy on the stairs
in the corner
back behind the cellar stairs
old magazines
stacked cardboard
pieces we hold on to
falling apart
dust eating at things we hide
for a future need we don’t have
important things we can’t even remember
so many useless words
reinventing distances
i take with me my poem and song
down to the dark parts of sleep
i cannot find
–
weighted
world on edge
of hollow shoulders
cannot trust a shadow
lingering
a sight unseen
–
withdrawn
without hope of
wonder
withered words
woebegone
waiting while
weeping
–
whisper thoughts of nothing in my ear
my heart content in knowledge of another day
find for me a hiding place within you
to nest these thoughts of hopeful love
pictures of days long past
of happiness in your heart
captured curiosty, attention
a warm place
to rest within you
–
this day is done and with it me inside i feel a hole, growing a weight on my heart a thought of dying
why
a neverbeginning an unlife questions of grief and withered ideas of happy times shrinking down my neck the energy running into somewhere unknown i ache for you the you inside i
see
but now cannot believe the ideas the language the you that was so deeply engrained in me changing before me into someone who does not know me enough to know me cannot reach into my heart see my bleeding but can truly love me?
god i hope for certainty i long for names and hands and fingers running down my neck where did all this go what has transpired to bring about this change a feeling of distance a chill and tangible air of err
i am sorry
for all things
injury has left it’s scar
of long past lives
with other ones
it’s left me feeling still
with an abrasive heart
how do i hope to love with you
to feel through you
the warmth of starless moonlit nights
it’s broken me and still i yearn
to spend enternity with you
you awaken things in me
please forgive me this friction
this despair
not ready to worship anything
anymore
too many iterations of doubt
no purpose in the endless puzzle
what is gained from the questions
unanswered
how to reconcile myself
to what i have become
quietly slipping
the forest ebbing into buildings
solid matter
concrete, i stand on this lack of ideas
this relenting to what surrounds me
lack of creation, of delving thoughts
has dried up the well of my subconscious
left in a parking lot of broken asphalt
where once was a forest blossoming with ideas
where are all the dreams
of yesterday?
these woods speak of your beauty
in hushed whispers
calling out for completeness
i find you there
in this quiet moment
i reflect on the scent
of your hair
breathing in an
elation of my days
fields of curling locks
i lay down and pull a blanket
of you around my mind to keep me
warm
i like thinking when
i smoke
and smoking with i’m
thinking about death
and our place in this world
that transgression
a passing out of all
our memories
transcending beyond a
blink out
holding together a feeling of
some universal truth
an idea of everything
in a nutshell
beyond our naive understanding
a fading into what we are
and nothing to show for it
no need for a show
but losing it all?
being without you
or these moments
pleasant memories in the
ether of this everyday?
it makes me ache
this loss of all we are