purgatory

This is work that spans approximately a seven year period in my life. I went through a lot of changes, internal and external. I was in and out of a relationship that hurt us both more than it helped, I think.


rebuild

| March 8th, 2003

piece by piece
I bring it home
in these cold hours
with thoughts alone
construct a life
fill in the holes
with trinkets
(memories to hold)

I rebuild the process
without your hand
make these things mine
in hopes to stand
(tall,
not to fall)

random thoughts

| March 8th, 2003

i’ve stripped myself of my art
the tools discarded
to collect so many
emotional voids

if i tell myself it doesn’t hurt
it shouldn’t

hearing your voice on tape
recorded so far back
when things were happy
brings me closer to the farther away
shows me everywhere i went wrong
and how you must have hated me
then
for needing you SO much
and how now you don’t know what to
feel
when i look past my tears into your
eyes
saying, “everything can change…
all i want
is for things to be
the same”

So long ago i became Me of Me & You
that now i cannot find myself
while you never really lost yourself in Us
and just existed as You accompanied by Me

my thought wheels spin beyond reason
i ache to have your arms around me
you lie next to me, indifferent in sleep
i keep the watch of the rising sun
hoping soon to find peace
to stop these electric pulses
which hold me from sleep
to stay this fear
which racks my body

shivering
scared by ghosts of thoughts
would wake you
but would feel ashamed
grown men should not be haunted
by words
should not be kept awake
by anxiety and loneliness

never having had choice before
what was made may not be wise
a simple utterance of instinct
an attempt to relive these things
to find myself within you again
but at what cost?
at whose expense?

everyones…

sleeping beside me
goddess of night unfolds her thoughts
in complacent sighs she whispers eternities
i lay beside her and wait ’til day
brings her about again to talk to
to laugh with

but for now she has regained her innocence

words from a box

| March 8th, 2003

your beauty strikes me, slowly

as the silence lays between us
like a stillborn child
we created in our
twisted copulation
we both regret our actions
not yet committed

hide inside,
try not to wonder
slide on by,
world torn asunder
hold the ground
to keep from drifting
kill the sound
now souls are shifting

pressure changes
vision strays from focus
fluctuation, blur and bend
floating soul, can’t touch
the ground
internal waves pixelate
towards edges
where they dissipate

i swear, it feels like
the end of the world

withdrawn
without hope of
wonder
withered words
woebegone
waiting while
weeping

folding things back
upon themselves
we find a shorter path of travel
a way to connect
without the cause of effect
the Kronal Ojeckal demon slain
we walk through the invisible gates
of eternal light to come out
– indeterminate spacial
occupation, half in the
pool of flesh . . . remainder
still floating on thoughts
of greater nothing, still
burning in ‘void of form’,
blissful slow burn

america the beautiful

| March 8th, 2003

buildings spread like cancer
across the horizon line
strip mall temples
monetary sacrifice to the gods
materialism as diety
bow down before unnecessity
before retched excess

trust

| March 8th, 2003

when trust has blown away
like so many fractured moments
leaving me fragmented and stillborn
in my ignorance
i tremble at your thoughts
and dream of placid certainty
of my place in your life
i long for days when i will be much more
than this bright and sparkling nothing
which fades when overcome by darkened
tortures hidden deep within my mind
how i wish for vibrant stillness in the
knowledge that i will never hurt you
again

at night i lay awake in fear that
i have broken this precious gift,
your trust, into pieces too small
to reassemble

a few words on skin

| March 8th, 2002

spacial beauty
inert, lifeless
time finds hold
and rots the skin
pure heart cannot protect
sustain
no will can stop
decay

momentary flux
ascension kills
gravity’s weight
shreds astral skin

out
like a light
eclipsed by darker moons
around the corner
out the door
of existence

my sun is gone
no more to pierce the clouds
celestial drifting
breaks the fabric
of my certainty

can’t see
or feel the warmth
on my cheek
cold biting tender skin
emotionally frozen
frigid
frostbitten
feelings forgotten

finally

forever

ocular delight

| March 8th, 2001

delicate eyes
framed by her
smoldering locks
brought forth
through haze of memory
(redefined)
the newly exposed
retinal glow
draws me nearer
holds my mind
in silent stillness
tendrils of perception
caress me in
ocular delight

a simple wish

| March 8th, 2001

Wasted years inside this
institutional mind,
trapped by matter’s meager
persistence,
I wish to regain.
Balance the tables,
with solid uncertainty,
touch time without
the haunt of fate.

remember the dream
Regain the moment
Relive the life

pulse

| March 8th, 2001

shallow sunlight drains the day
forgives this malevolence
dreams of crushing renewal
ancient paths will follow
’round the circle
(dance a distant past)
relent and flow
into the deepest waters
pulse within it’s heart
entwine and feel the
truths within our rhythm
hide from general knowledge
create a newer past
free from
the horrid dream’s persistence